Member-only story
Laugh While You Can
Side effects of the American Dream
I got out of bed and walked to the baño. I felt a little heavy and when I opened my boxer shorts I noticed that my scrotum was 3 times its normal size and my dick was lumpy with malleable sacs of fluid. There was no pain or discharge and I urinated normally, but it was alarming nevertheless. The day before I had awakened hungover and started drinking beer and coffee at 9 a.m. I didn’t stop until midnight at which time I had consumed 43 beers, 2 pots of coffee and 3 and a half packs of cigarettes. I figured my condition had something to do with that.
I didn’t want to tell my wife Natalia. I got dressed and told her I was going for a bicycle ride, rode over to the Urgent Care a couple miles away. It was a nice sunny morning. Riding wasn’t comfortable, flabby volleyball low in my lap, but I made it, locked the bike up and went inside.
I’d been to the Urgent Care a couple weeks prior. That time I had awakened with my face and lips swollen up. I looked like Frankenstein’s pontoon boat. The doctor guessed allergy, plunged a needle of epinephrine into my left buttocks. It was getting to the point where I was afraid to go to sleep, the things that happen in the night.
I filled out the form and where it said “What brings you in today?” I wrote: “Swollen genitals.” Others waited. A…
